Really?

I signed up with a temp agency not long ago, it's a good back up just in case any job comes up. Well, today I got a job doing some clerical work, and the pay is not great but it's something. Money we could really use. The pay is much lower than I am used to but at this juncture, I really have no choice. I didn't expect any whoops of joyous elation from my family but I did expect some expression of neutral feelings. But the feeling I get is me going to work will take me away from them. And that I am going to work for so little money. People have traveled greater distances to work for much much less money.

There were several appointments lined up for the weekday, which had to be re-scheduled, I was met with groans and not with understanding. When I found out I got the job, I immediately began to thaw some drumsticks so my husband would have lunch tomorrow, his lunch, not mine. So, you get the idea.

How did I get here? How did I begin to exist for convenience of others? I suppose I am partly to blame, since I blended my family, I was so preoccupied with the role of peacekeeper and I basically stopped really communicating with people unless I really had to because I am so exhausted being the peacekeeper. I have no energy left for anything else, and I am not even a very good peacekeeper. Good peacekeepers don't hate their role, they love it. And I hate my role.

Thus begs the million dollar question, how did I get here?