Having to be the adult

I revise my former statement about marriage being an exercise in self-restraint. Marriage is an exercise in self-restraint and a designated party who has to act like the adult in all situations. And guess who that person usually is? No, it's not the older spouse or the more experienced spouse (whatever that means). It's the wife that has to act the part of referee, peacemaker, negotiator, basically the adult in the marriage, and it gets mighty old in a hurry. 


You see, I hate people, I hate dealing with people and their grievances, problems, complaints, gripes etc. I can barely deal with my own problems. I don't like being the go-between, smoothing over arguments and disagreements between other people, most of whom are older than me. I don't know why I fixate on age so much, I know that age doesn't mean squat anymore but the conventional side of me expects older people to be mature and wiser. Sadly, that is not so in my life. I am constantly flabbergasted at how much more mature I am, or maybe I am just deluding myself, I don't know anymore. After all, I don't speak about this with anyone except this blog that no one reads. Sometimes I get so lost and mired in my own domestic situation that I don't know if what I am experiencing is real or 'normal' anymore. Does everyone feel like this? Can domestic life be this hard over things so small and insignificant? I know things are relative and what the other person experiences no matter how small to me is very significant to them, and I am not one to put down or slight another person's experience, but damn, this is tiring. 


When I blended my family, I knew there would be hairy spots but I didn't think it involved this much talking and negotiating and over things so small and insignificant. Every morning I tread lightly, waiting for the next argument and disagreement to ignite. 


It's funny how things you loved about someone so early on can be such a emotional liability when the ennui of daily life set in. I never minded my husband's fastidiousness, tidiness and and wanting things just so, in fact, I relished it, finally a guy who is not a slob and can tidy his things away. But now the very thing I relished is becoming a physical and psychological burden on me. Since I am ranting and no one will read this, let me just make a list for my own satisfaction.

• Laundry from the clothesline cannot be put on the bed because it was exposed to dust on the outside. Well, gee whiz, there's dust everywhere, why don't I wrap myself in plastic before I return to my bedroom. 
• "I know how to clean, but I just don't like to", well, then, I must LOVE LOVE LOVE chores because not only does he not like to do chores, he won't leave me to it, constantly critiquing and telling me where I've missed. And I realized lately that nothing has ignited my ire more than my husband telling me to do certain chores, though I know he doesn't mean to order me around, him saying it from his mouth, sounding like a direct order just ignites my inner rage, a rage that I have to try hard to calm. 

There are more, but if I go on, I would just be petty, going against the very point I am trying to make here. But do you see how small this stuff is? Maybe I have been shut away from reality too long. People say that couples today give up on relationships and marriages too easily, and they don't work through it and I agree, this is nothing to lose your mind over, but on a bad day, this can feel like the thing that will finally put me over the edge.