Feelings of sadness

My father's house is sold and it will close this coming Monday and starting from that day the house will belong to another person and become their family's legacy. A relative of mine is helping me sort out the final details like holding an estate sale, donating away what has not been sold and taking the rest to the dumpster. 


My sadness is also combined with disappointment, I wanted to keep the house for posterity, I wanted my kids (when I get around to that enterprise) to see the house their grandpa built. But, alas, it is not to be and the reasons are many as is the blame. It's not just any old house, it was a house that my father designed and built and it's an amazing house considering that he was not was not schooled in any of the disciplines required to build a house from the ground up. I was always so proud that I could tell people that my dad built his house and now it will not be his nor my house anymore. 


The journey to this juncture is long and complicated but I accept the blame (I find it easier to cope with things when I take responsibility for the things I contributed to a situation). It gives me a false  sense of control. To make a long story short, the reason that I ended up in this position of having to sell one of my most beloved possessions is because I caved to the pressures of my life. It is such a burden to be the sole provider of your family, especially of your other half is a proud man. It's such a delicate balancing act of not having to hurt the other person's pride. They weren't kidding when they said that it was a man's recession, it really is. It would be so nice if this burden can be lifted off of me or if not at least be allowed the freedom to do as I please with how to organize our finances. It's so difficult to have to go on and pretend that your husband is the provider when he clearly is not and to have to include him in all of your money decisions like he was the one earning it. I don't know why I do it? I suppose that I love him very much and I don't want him to feel diminished and humiliated. 


Lately, I have been suffering from a bout of misandry. When it comes down to it, it is the women of this world that bear the burden of our families. It is the women that put their pride aside and do the work that needs to be done to support her family, while the men are griping about how their jobs have disappeared to India. And on top of shouldering all the burdens, we have to worry about the pride and ego of our menfolk.